ONE-EYED MONSTER (2009)

Reviewed by Kris Gilpin

NOTE: This review is Rated M!

Reportedly originally titled RON JEREMY'S PENIS, this direct-to-vid horror/porn spoof probably looked better on paper. A mishmash of different genres, it at least offers some nice scenery of the snow-covered Northern California mountains.

Jeremy and fellow porn film veteran Veronica ("Jane Hamilton") Hart appear in the first half hour as porn stars on a film shoot that's invaded by a horny intergalactic alien -- or as the Blair Witch-like opening crawl tells us, "Something everyone saw coming." Then a NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD-like radio broadcaster warns of a "celestial event" happening that night.

And the film's credits read, "And introducing Ron Jeremy." (Ha!)

Jeremy and Hart (who reportedly married a man named Mike Hunt) have an early scene, complete with soft music in the background in which the aging porn queen (who, back in the day, was one of the more beautiful women in the biz) laments growing older in the biz. Jeremy, meanwhile, sighs"I can't suck my own dick anymore. With the added weight and the back pains, all I can do is kiss the tip." [He gained a ton of sweaty weight ages ago and is now known as The Warthog] Actually, RJ doesn't really suck when he's in his non-porn scenes, but when he tells her how he goes about "creating different characters" for his 1,100+ porno movies, well, give us a fuggin' break, Ronny.

After being chided by the porn film's prick (so to speak) director at the actor's not being able to get it up (uh huh!), RJ then steps outside to take a leak and gets zapped by said space alien's light in the sky. Back on the set, he freaks out and his body convulses as he climaxes during his non-explicit porn scene with Veronica. She faints from the pain and he falls to the floor.

His dismembered "nine and three-quarter-inch" member has now been taken over by an evil alien force intent on stalking and killing them all one by one. The problem is, this comedy is not really very funny, though there is some amusing dialogue now and then:

DIRECTOR: "How long's it gonna take to light this scene?!"

CAMERAMAN: (after clicking on one light bulb) "Ready."

or

DIRECTOR: (to the horribly white-chest-haired Jeremy) "Ron, take off your sweater."

RON JEREMY: "I'm not wearing a sweater."

or

CAMERAMAN: (Jason Graham, the best young actor in the movie, after Veronica is alien-attacked in the porn scene) "She's hemorrhaging badly. Check her purse -- maybe there's a tampon in there." Then, "We're gonna need a bigger tampon.

or

RON JEREMY: (after said scene, as he's dying) "Hey, Jonah, remember when I fucked that girl that time?!..."

ONE-EYED MONSTER was directed and co-written by Adam Fields, who also composed the score for DAWSON'S CREEK. The penisaurus, as is most of the blood/FX, is alluded to and not actually shown until the end -- to build the "suspense" or simply because there was next to no effects budget? When there should have been funny dick-attack FX, there are simply reaction shots of the actors instead ("It's walking away!"), along with irised penis-POV shots. Even the phony falling snow effects are bad CGI. All these things combined are probably why this Monster has been on the shelf for the last 2 years.

Somehow the lovely Amber ("Buffy") Benson wound up in this DTV release, but has nothing to do until the end. Russ Meyer alum Charles Napier is here as the old, grizzled, Quint-like Mohtz character who helps fight the nasty nob ("I'll kill it for you!"). Napier's still a great Joe Cool type, and he has some good dialogue with a young scientist character:

NAPIER: "So, it's a trap, huh?"

SCIENTIST: (showing Napier his Neuro-Tactile Simulator, with which to capture the deadly dork) "It's a simulated vagina."

NAPIER: "They're all traps!"

He also tells an amusing story of how he tried to "kill an enemy dick during wartime with the help of two Saigon whores," but to (SPOILER!) see the great Nape choked to death by a disembodied dick on screen -- well, how the mighty have fallen!

The cast also includes the very cute Jenny Guy, though her scared routine, uh, sucks (so to speak), and the flick's only nudity comes from Carmen Hart, an actual adult-film actress (BIG COCKS IN HER LITTLE BOX) here in her first non-porn part, who is apparently no relation to Veronica.

There is one good FX shot late in the story, as a body is split in half, and there's an ALIEN cocoon homage/ripoff effect, too. But the "funny," uh, climax is just stupid. Maybe, if you're in the mood for some dumb laffs, invite some buds over with some Buds and...well, I dunno if that would help you get through this flick any easier either.