PREVUES FROM HELL Is Back To Hack
And It's A CELLULOID BLOODBATH!
The Movie Trailers of Terror
The Movie Trailers of Terror
Collection Horror Fans Have Been Wade In Gore!
The Keeper of The Pit
Hey, fright film friends and fiends everyscare, The Keeper here. Yeah, yeah, I've heard all those stories. The Keeper's daid, or outta his haid, and who could tell witch?
Truth to smell, lust few years of fears and leers I've been down in scummy Boo!-muda, on an hextended romant-ecch in-her-nude with the Mothra-in-law. Yeah, we jest now flew back, and boy are her charms tired! Yeah, she's one earthy Tohold lady, butt terror firma.
So, the question witches most axed, for Shirley, Jackson, is what's the big deal eccch-caison all deady? What could inspire the ole Keep to scum outta self-imPoesed reektirement after all this slime? And the answer is, and what else could it “B”? -- October 9th is the release date of CELLULOID BLOOD BLOOD- BLOODBATH: MORE PREVUES FROM HELL, the follow-up to the original PREVUES FROM HELL VHS and DVD. That's reel soon, goon, that CB: MPFH will be available some scare near you, I SAID fear grue!
And take it from the Keep, who thought wayback in the Temple that PFH #1 was the beast ever fright film movie trailer collection ever: CELLULOID BLOODBATH is not only better, it's even redder, wetter and friggin' living deader! I mean, get a hopefully not tomb lethal look at the DVD box.
Killer, haunt it? Thing is, CB delivers the ghouleds promised, and that's just the front cover! Take a look at the back. Yup, all those trailers are captured and Kongtained in all their gory glory, along with one mystery trailer hidden witchin'. Oh, there's plenty of hextras besides, but that one unlisted trailer? Let's let it “B” what the Mothra-in-law calls a “a little slurp thighs” during the bed of fright, I SAID dead of night!
Hokay, you've seen the cast, the credits, the eeeek!-quential slime cup, I mean, line-up of terror trailers. But that's not all. My disc may not declare it on the box, but CELL B. is also close captioned. Means a lot to me. Man who raised me was hearing impaired somewhat from work during the war. Oh, he'd joke about it, say he was “hard of earring.” And if he was still here, he'd smile when I tell him I miss him and still, like he'd say, “lobe” him all the more.
That sadly said, froth witch we have a partial listing of CELLULOID B'BATH's titles, ghost hosts and, uh, hostettes by, of curse, cat-a-gorey.
(Or, like Hacky Gruesome usedta say, “And a-slay we ghoul!”)
First up, after an animated bloody marquee eeek!-quence, we've Joe Zaso and scream queen Raine Brown and not-so-dumb-he Happy Goldsplatt, who gets to say sometimes movie prevues are better than the movies they hype, dead wooden ya know it.
MONSTERS: hosted by Jack Polito, KING KONG expert w/ a Wray with words.
PSYCHOS: w/ Caroline Munro, who her own self's had to cry out “Mani-ACKKK!” once or sliced.
CARNIVAL HORRORS as hosted by Professor Ouch, whose barker is worse than his bite, and BLAXPLOITATION HORRORS, hosted by Jasmine Shields, who looks, a buddy sez, “Pam -tastic!” Yeah, BH's one cool ghoul category never to be given short Shaft. Especially if that shaft has to be driven through BLACULA's chest by William Marshall arts ...
PROMO GIMMICKS as hosted by Ken Kish. What these bally hooboy babies reely are, hey, I haInt Castle-in'!
CANNIBAL HORRORS as hosted by Mr. Dead Guy, who does not get to say, “Eat, eat, eat, doesn't anybody just canniball any gore?”
WOMEN TREATED BADLY hosted by Seka, featuring films some might say shouldn't even sexist. Original footage modeled by I won't say, so wouldn't you like two nude?
All this directed by Jim Monaco and James F. Murray, Jr; produced by Murray and Dan Kaminski; co-writ by Murray and Nick Paltrow; with gore-iginal music by Billy Marshall. And this time out, production values are, like the knife descending on a slasher flick poster, reely sharp.
Spooking of sharp, though, I gotta admit sometimes I enjoy things slightly more cheesy.
So, letch, sigh, let's leave the above listing ... a too small sampling, yes ... and I'll get back to even more names after this one, I say, making like CARRIE, prom us.
Oh, you want a few such, hoodoo ya? All fright!
Sarah French, one oooh-la lady!
Not-too-evil twins Art Dubin & Kevin Clement,
who'll never, ever look over the Chill.
Debra Lamb, ya see her once, ewe never forget her.
The Hussy of Horror. Hey, gal, I have a black cap jest like t-hat!
Chainsaw Sally (hey, wasn't she in THE RATCHET MURDERS?)
George Stover, a truly nice guy who has survived
horrors reel and real.
And the immortal John Zacherle, who just keeps Roland along...
Never fear, dears, there'll “B” more names to get Prevue'd slayed 'er!
And now, the trailers themselves. You know, the reely ghouled SNUFF, I said stuff. I'm saving the come-ons and so bad they're crassick scenes presented in most of these babies, so as not to spoil you fine folks' fun if you've never see either the trailers or the movies, outscare. So, here ghouls, in eeeek!-quential odor, of curse:
THE TWILIGHT PEOPLE, the early Pam Grier pic witches fulla “half-beast, half-monster” terror types and one to Philipine for. Saw this at the same drive-in where my ole bud Don K. Barbecue saw, and didn't hear, BLOOD FEAST as chronic-kilt here at the Temple. TP played with CREATURE WITH THE BLUE HAND and BEAST OF YELLOW NIGHT. Sheesh, no wonder it was called TWILIGHT PEOPLE: along with the other two that night had all the colors of the sunset. I swear, oh pun my Sol.
FRANKENSTEIN'S BLOODY TERROR, thatcha couldn't get away from back in the drive-in daze if you jumped up and down on ... gotta love 'em ... Sam Sherman AND the late great guy Al Adamson's haids till they hollered “I-I.” It's a Paul-in', but I love this pic, although some folks, it jest makes 'em Naschy their teeth.
BARON BLOOD from Mario Bava, maker of my fave'rit horror movie Steele. Trailer's terror-riff-ic, and I dare ya to even start Counting all the instruments of torture on scene. Plus, the guys who watched CB: MPFH w/ me say all the women in BARON B. got “nice racks!”
THE SLIME PEOPLE. Saw this at a loco theatre when it was new, and did we ever Punnsylvania “trow” things at the screen and yell “P. U.!” I swear this flick has a romant-ecch line that went “When I'm with you, I don't even wanna think about slime people.” Yeah, fright, and first date you wanna take the guy home to mudder. SP starred HIDEOUS SUN DEMON Robert Clarke, and had one of the worst chee-eep monsters ever. Number one was THE GIANT CLAW. Two? THE BRAINIAC. TERROR. One look at the stars of the fun butt offal SLIME PEOPLE, you'll know they gotta scum in turd.
Spook, I SAID speaking of killer turds, the next trailer up's Cronenberg's THEY CAME FROM WITHIN, that played in this neck of the Ed Woods with THE GIANT SPIDER INVASION at the now gone Mu-Way Drive-In at Pummeled Dwarf. Pic stars Barb Steele and sweet purrson Lynn Lowry of the CAT PEOPLE remake. The scene in the bathtub with the pooply parasites crawling, uh, up Barbara will always, Steele, get reeksults. A more different in mood and matter & money spent double creature feature, I honestly can't fecal.
THE NIGHT EVELYN CAME OUT OF THE GRAVE's another Bava-wanna-B, and rotsa fun. And I recommend folks to find and buy the poster to it, even if you haveta use an Erika Blanc check. Oh, and my mold pal the monster sez you gotta wonder,:when Evelyn was born, did folks ever axe where she'd beheaded?
BEAST OF THE YELLOW NIGHT. Yup, the scary same Corman/John Ashley pic I mentioned earlier. See this on the same bill like I did, I triple dog scare ya!
THE FLESH EATERS. Boy, was this movie a hoot in theatres. Plus, TFE was the cover feature for an issue of Famous Monsters Of Filmland that had parents across the land hollering at kids who bought the thing like they were gonna pack their turning-weird widdle ones off to live with their ex't of skin.
CURSE OF THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN/CARNIVAL OF BLOOD? Never saw these. Trailer for HORSEMAN, eh, seeing it I might have to say “Neigh.” CARNIVAL OF BLOOD ditto, and carny horror host Professor Ouch could, of corpse, be charged with zomb abuse for what he does in this DVD to Happy Goldsplatt. Then again, knowing Happ, maybe the law wood meet the Prof mid-way!
Next up, a creepy Herman Cohen circus, uh, trailer from Herman Cohen sure to drive you BERSERK, it's so in tents. Some reely creative, gimmicky and imaginative murders here, and Diana Dors for the guys in the back yelling how they'd like to bed of nails her. And ya gotta love how the poor prospective victims fall into the murderer's designs with such willing trap ease!
Will there ever “B” another movie like next trailer's SHE FREAK? Thing's the impure essence of David BLOOD FEAST Friedman sell the sizzle that isn't always there, let alone scare, how the titu-leer turned monsterous heroine keeps appearing in quick, subliminal hot flashes. Ah yes, like the hootchie kootchie dancers of thong a-go-go, they don't shake 'em like that any gore.
THE EXORCIST. Geez, did anyone ever watch this flick and not wanna look behind that door ev'ry time Linda Blaired out?
MEATCLEAVER MASSACRE. Poster and movie's so diabolikill, ya gotta axe, how'd they ever hatchet?
THE WORM EATERS. All fright! This is one of CB's most unbelievable trailers, and one that makes everyone anywhere friggin' yell and, um, SQUIRM. Trust me, WORM EATERS lives ground to its title.
MONSTERS CRASH THE PAJAMA PARTY. Watched this in a reel theatre, too. Wasn't, despite the title, AIP, but I had so much Funicello with it, they hadda drag me away with Annette. Sorry, got anudder Annette on my Coletown mined, one hot lil beach ....
THE ASTRO-ZOMBIES. Jaw-dropping jerkitude, I'm astronaut kiddin'. Look for the splendiferous Tura Sultana, star of many a Russ Meyers movie, who also got to play both dancers in OUR MAN. Trust me on that, ya won't get Coburned.
MONSTER-A-GO-GO is a FIRST MAN INTO SPACE sorta thing from Heap Gorey Lewis, scare-in a feller comes down with symptoms reely oooky when he gets back from launch. Although, from the title the gals probably loved him cuz he could reely rocket!
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD AND THE MONSTERS. Oh Ghouled *** Choke *** Bored, not K. Gordon Murray! Having been farced to take younger family members to his beyond odd output hackin' the '60's, I can say it: despite what witch ya might read these daze, the little kids capital H hated these things as much as I did. Being kids, when they got home they'd invariably say they got “scared,” and somehow it was my fault. Uh, gee, P&M, like who sent us there in the first place, to the worst junk image-a-bull? Still, of all the KGM stuff I suffered Coletown “tru,” HOOD's the absolute Tom Thumb dumbest! Can ya digit?
WEREWOLF VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMAN. Fur me, when it came to Paul Naschy werewolf movies, I always wanted Valdemar of 'em. Better yet, this one about takes the lycantrophy.
HOUSE OF DARK SHADOWS. Be a-Frid, be very, scary a-Frid!
GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE. Ken Kish loves this, and Mu-Way me too. I demean, how can I as the Keeper not love a pic so Pitaki? Plus this features William Smith, who did one honey of a jar, I SAID job in INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS. Now, settle back to this Baby Horror trailer and watch how many people diaper minute!
SUGAR HILL and her zombie hit men! “B” gore you watch the trailer, punder w/ me: do zombie hit men shuffle off to Buffalino?
ALABAMA'S GHOST. I admit it, when it comes to horror movies no one knows every THING. I never heard of this movie until CELLULOID B'BATH, and same ghouls for anyone else I mention it tomb. Pay no attention to the Mothra-in-law, who sez it south of the Mason-Dixon line bored her.
SCREAM, BLACULA, SCREAM. Blacula and Pam Grier, how SHEBAt BABY can it “B”?
EYEBALL. Yeah, yeah, they don't come much cornea, but the box office went into orb-it!
RABID. David Cronenberg pic with Marilyn Chambers remains the only film, ever, to star on a Roger Corman drive-in double bill as the companion to a second movie about the same subject: killer armpits! The other being DEMON, that under its original title of GOD TOLD ME TO, got itself, armpit or rot, friggin' Banned.
THE FIENDISH GHOULS. Peter Cushing and Donald Pleasence's grave robber jobber, that's in, um, parts pretty Burke and Hare-raising.
DON'T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT. No, they didn't say DEBASEMENT. Did anyone out scare ever see a print of this that wasn't purple as a grape popsicle? I never did, and if I DID find such a thing in my basement, I'd for sure try to cellar.
MARK OF THE DEVIL 2 claims to have been censored or banned, if ya believe it, in like a million countries and ev'ry nation on Earth! Uh huh. Gotta give a coven of lovin' to the advertising fellers who came up with that come-on, fright when they sat down with other promo boys to planet.
BLACK BELLY OF THE TARANTULA/ THE WEEKEND MURDER. Yeah, I caught BB at the Mu-Way D-I and, since it stars 3 James Bond babes, Blofeld in love with it first time I spider.
THE BROTHERHOOD OF SATAN. No DEVIL'S RAIN, but unholy water is?
CHAMBER OF HORRORS. Hey, does Marvel Comics know about this? I bonely axe cuz the trailer's fulla Human Torture.
THE HORROR OF PARTY BEACH. Fun in the sun via nuclear scum, as creature featured in the mag published by James Warren back in the FJA daze. My bet, there haint a person living on this big ball of bikini wax world who can watch this trailer or the movie without feeling all wet, wicked and wobbly. And quite possibly Del-Aires-headed.
And if you reely want a headache, sample WICKED, WICKED on a drive-in screen like I did. W, W's a psicko mystery killer thriller starring one of my fave femmes of the 70's, Tiffany Bolling, plus Ed Byrnes to make things even more Kookie. Thing was filmed in "Duo-Vision," that maybe on a bat day might have been better than watching BOLLING FOR DOLLAR$. I kid, the Tiffster in this was even better than her usual striking self, it's the pic wound up in the gutter.
The trailer to CASTLE OF EVIL succeeds at making the movie look well and good, I SAID smell & ghouled, witch it haint. In fact, I was so ticked after catching it in a theatre that when I was given the movie poster to it? Yup, I immediately turret up!
ASYLUM. Monumental anthology from Amicus, Robert Bloched out with the hack-sent on the “mental.” And it made a whole lot of PSYCHOld, "hard ca$h."
THE CRAWLING HAND. One of the gore laughable of the entire BLOODBATH batch, but ghoul finger: this trailer and movie are ev'rything that GHOST OF DRAGSTRIP HOLLOW wasn't. Where else can ya hear a) a disrobing gal inquire of her guy what does it mean, she's stacked, or b) The Rivingtons? Whatever yer choice, you'll wanna see and leer, I SAID hear Papa Ow Mow Mo'. And yer boy Jr.? He can see t.v.'s The Skipper take matters into his own hands, Allan a Hale of bullets!
Next? PSYCHO FROM TEXAS, as recalled by the ever lovely Linnea Quigley, who starred in same when she was seventeen, and ya can tell even then of all the folks in this pic, she's the one who was gonna be the Lone Star. That said, from what's seen here, no way could PFT be Dallas they come.
Ah yessss, the slime-honored plot of scum psicko at the drive-in making innocent ... and some not so innocent ... parked patrons d-i their own selves! No TARGETS, this, but D-IM didn't at the Mu-Way Boris. So, why do these slaughterers at the sliver moon screen hack, I SAID act out these things, anyslay? I mean, is it true what my shrink, B. Vera Afreyd, pro-Poes-es -- that they simply have deep, back-seated eeeek!-motions?
RATTLERS. Like PSYCHO above, never saw this film, but whoof, from the trailer there's plenty of potential victims going loaded with serpent-up eeeek!-motions.
SQUIRM. Honest: one of the biggest, longest, traffic-cloggingest lines to any drive-in, let alone the late, cemented screen Mu-Way, I ever saw was for SQUIRM with FROGS. So, I axe ya, what could the crowds have been like to SQUIRM with THE WORM EATERS? I'll tell ya – cars all the way to Nick Adams' connecting closet in Nescopeck could well have come to a crawl.
WILLARD. So, you want more, I mean gore, nature being a fright mother pictures? WILLARD has the rat stuff, and for a little picture it sure in the box office made one huge rodent.
Larry Cohen's IT'S ALIVE. Yeah, ya bring the kid home from the hospital, and from then on STUFF gets much, much nursery.
THE BABY. Hmm, another killer baby film. Screams like one of the people in this pic shoulda seen that sneaky snake movie from a few lines hack. I can hear it now: “Here, kid, we boughtcha a new RATTLER!”
So, next up, I demean, nest schtupp: INVASION OF THE BEE GIRLS. As mentioned before, this honey stars William Smith, along with Hammer heroine Victoria Vetri and PRICE IS RIGHT model Anitra, amazing as it is that the producers could a-Ford her. Yowser, and when I was a kid I thought Susan Cabot as Corman's WASP WOMAN was comb-ly ...
And now, “Bee” live it or not, here comes my favorite CELLULOID BLOODBATH trailer: THE DEVIL'S WEDDING NIGHT. DEVIL's the best, bare nuns, I SAID bar none Mario Bava movie Mario Bava never made. Or, is that “Plunder the portals of mortal maidens,” like the announcer ad vices? All that, plus great near-Bava color, sets at their most fear-eccck!, music that makes you feel you're both riding and captive victim writhing doomward, WEDDING NIGHT's got it all. Naughty to forget all, and I hoodoo mean all, the Mu-Way carhorns honking during the naked, spellbound maidens marching in Bava-esque color up tomb the castle to be quite willingly sacrificed, never to be scene again. Music's terror-riff here,, lick thighs, but who could hear it like in C BLOODBATH back then, with every vehicle in the lot blatting a lay, sorry, way? And did I men shun evil sorceress villianess Sarah Bay of Corman's LADY FRANKENSTEIN, whose nude scenes no man on the face of the earthy could not take quite the Joseph Cotten to?
By now we're in the WOMEN TREATED BADLY sextion, featuring intro material shot by CB co-director James Murray Jr., the young whippersnapper. Yeah, you got it, we're off to the second ILSA movie, and whether they have oil and harems or not, NO one in an ILSA movie ever, ever dances cheek to SHEIK. The torture scenes are as they should be, horrible so as never to make anyone, anywhere, get all (t)horn-y over people dyin'.
Then there's THE GIRL IN ROOM 2-A, for a chains of place.
CORRUPTION stars always-still-missed Peter Cushing as a mad plast-ecccck surgeon, along w/ Sue Lloyd of THE BARON. Film sneaks up on ya, let's face slit. A bud of Coletown mine sez he saw CORRUPTION once with the future luvva his wife on a campus cafeterroria wall as shown via cheepo Bell & Howell projection, and it still had plenty of women going “Eee-yew!” Curse, old as he is, they were perhaps more like go-going. Same bud also saw Corman's THE RAVEN there, although that time he claims the theatrely techno was more like “Cheap Poe.”
Followed by a flick unbeknown tomby: THE HANGING WOMAN, that from the looks of it could “B” reely bad noose.
LET'S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH's a fun little head-scratcher starring Zora Lampert that can, jest when yer getting Ouija board, send you into an early 70's type brainpanic. Witch in this case is a ghouled thing! By the time I caught this years of fears later at a drive-in with THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVED DOWN THE LANE management Ed Woodn't let younger types in unless eeek!-companied by a Jodie Foster parent.
Sexed up? Gene Corman & Paul Bartel's PRIVATE PARTS. Great little flick, with many a different psicko path. You may think from the title you know what's coming, butt it's nuts.
And now, bow down to the goremeister of all slime and time, Hershell Gordon Lewis, or as I like to call him, Heap Gorey Lewis, as represented here with THE GORE GORE GIRLS. Can't say for you, but for me the three G's-ster's still the wickedest H. G. I ever saw in half.
W.ish I knew from the next flick, W. as featuring TW.iggy. Hey, out there, you ever saW. this, “B” sure to W.rite!
Had a-SNUFF? Not yet you haunt! Is this '76 SNUFF stuff real, or reel, you axe? Welllll, one slime on her'ed Horrorwood rule is that it's all in the faking. In other words, it's up to grue.
TENDER FLESH? To quote a certain Pittance of a catlog, it's an epiderm-eccch!
THE SEVERED ARM? I'm told it won a Life (and limb!) magazine award, hands down.
CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, on the other hand, will all ways be revered or reekviled. I axed one of the natives in CH about this, he waggled his hand a little, said he's in the spleen.
So, what frightmeister's material gets the honor of wrapping this whole assordidment of movie mag-eek? Hah! I haint sayin' yet, I got this far without ever having Argentold you.
Okay, so the CAT 'O NINE TAIL's outta the bag, no use Franciscussin' about it.
Followed by 4 FLIES ON GREY VELVET, Argento's take on the old camera obscura trick. As usual, even if he was working on the fly, Argento's the melangomaster.
Now, the moment we've all been wading in gore waiting for: the scary last, scary beast CB trailer isssss ------- Argento's masterpiece so far, SUSPIRIA. You never saw it, hoodoo so. With a friend, not fiend, cuz one never knows which is witches.
Oh, and trust me again here. Prepare for near-lethal loudness from SUSPIRIA's soundtrack. My hearing's survived like four upfront Foghat concerts, but seeing SUSPIRIA in a theatre with a superfine sound system almost eardrummed me outta the expensive or cheep horror movie watching and hearing Cor, man!
We have now finished our run-down of each and ev'ry CELLULOID BLOODBATH's prevues from Hell, fang you very munch. Me, like many a mold-slimer I've been waiting for a 2nd PREVUES FROM HELL since 1987. That's a whole lot of horror movies ghouled and bat since gone Lansdowne, vidtape, DVD or Thee Hack Trick Kill.
Moll a'witch means, CELLULOID BLOODBATH gets my official vote for sure as this year of fear's horror trailer Kongpilation DVDs beast to play at your Halloween party. Like my mold lady sez, it beats bobbin' for ape pulls.
Wait. Ape pulls? What did I furget all deady? Huh, and I was jest saying it no doubt Unca Festerday to the gorilla my screams. Ah well, witchever it was, I bed her not tell the Mothra in law.
Yoko, I mean, oh no, what's that flapping? Lots of names I'd like to ape-plaud yet. What the hey? Ah, key-rap, I know that massive shadow overhead, witch means the Mothra-in-law's headed my way. And I'll be beheaded if she ever finds out about me and Konganette and all her inner rhesuses. (So, Happy Halloween, you Temple of Schlockers and anyone out there reading this, I gotta fly or die, or I'll wind up making a big splatt below the Empire State Building real soon this .... falllllllll!)