Three Way the easy way

Every time we try to write a plot synopsis of THREE WAY WEEKEND (1979) the end result reads like one of those dirty joke emails that leads to sexual harassment cases in the corporate world or the end of somebody's career in politics, except there's no punchline to speak of and nothing in the setup that's terribly funny either. Oh sure, the movie is funny -- we won't pretend for a second that we didn't spend a good portion of its 78-minute running time picking ourselves up off the floor -- but unlike James Hong's TEEN LUST, with its two-reel comedy vignette structure and realistic but comically exaggerated characters and situations, the laughs in THREE WAY WEEKEND stem more from the efforts of a game and generally competent cast than the bad taste and broad stereotypes of the stupid, smutty script. It's just too goddamn dumb to translate back into the written word, which may be why there are almost no reviews of this thing online or anywhere else. Shot in Idyllwild, California in the fall of 1978, the story's preoccupation with Nixon jokes suggests a treatment written at least 3 years earlier, possibly in between bong hits in a dorm room and definitely in less time than it takes to listen to the A-side of a David Frye LP. Cheap, hostile and completely tasteless, it's everything you'd expect from a sex comedy by the director of NEW YEAR'S EVIL and NINE DEATHS OF THE NINJA. We're not about to say "you have to see it to believe it" because we don't want people to take that as a recommendation and then come gunning for us later, so below you will find our best attempt to give you the THREE WAY WEEKEND experience in the quickest and most painless way possible.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MINDY WILSON (Jody Lee Olhava) & VERONICA BROWN (Blake Parrish) -- Two sexy L.A. gals on a weekend hiking & camping trip

HARLAND GLEN, Park Ranger (Jerry Zanitsch) -- A cigar-chomping, whip-snapping right-winger who, after suffering a nervous breakdown, becomes convinced he's Richard Nixon. Zanitsch is not only the weak link in the cast and possibly the worst actor we've ever seen, he's also the producer.

LESTER POPSICLE (Richard Blye) & KIM SAN (Karen Stride) -- He's a former G.I., she's the Korean whore he met overseas and married. Their honeymoon is ruined when Cindy accidentally causes them to get "stuck like dogs" during sex.

HOWARD CREEP (Dan Diego) -- A former aide to Richard Nixon, he has an acronym for a last name ("Committee for the Re-election of the President") and is plagued by impotence when not wearing his favorite gorilla mask. The pseudonymous and top-billed actor "Dan Diego" is actually -- drum roll please --

-- Trey Wilson! The talented Houston-born actor from DRIVE-IN (1976) and VAMPIRE HOOKERS (1978) is best remembered today for his terrific career-making comic performance as the harried father of the Arizona quintuplets in RAISING ARIZONA (1987), a role that earned him a short but impressive run of character roles in major Hollywood films before his tragic death from a cerebral hemorrhage at age 40 (Click here for a Houston Chronicle article commemorating the 20th anniversary of Wilson's RAISING ARIZONA breakthrough). Wilson also wrote and performed all of the raunchy songs heard in THREE WAY WEEKEND and co-produced the film under his more familiar moniker.

Please remember to visit our concession stand!

"Smile! Say 'Kiss my ass!'"

"Ahh! I think it's time to go whip me some sluts!"

"Wanna fool around?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

"The timing had to be right. I wanted you to be primed and ready. You see, I have this theory I want to try out."

"Theory?"

"I think it's entirely possible for a woman to achieve an orgasm with her eyes open."

"You want me to keep my eyes open?"

"I want you to keep EVERYTHING open."

"I will."

"I promise..."

"I promise to keep them OHHHHH-PEN!"

"Oh, they're open...they're open...they're open..."

"You closed them!"

"Try harder!"

"Uh-oh, this could be trouble. I think we better get dressed."

"A couple of girl fags, huh?"

"Who the hell are you?"

"Harland Glen, ranger at large! I'll need your names and addresses, for my report!"

"Report?"

"Pervert report! You two are hiking in a known pervert camping area! Commie perverts, mostly."

"You've got to be kidding."

"Some of these are hard cases, lezzy! You two are nothing but trouble. Got your asses hanging out...just asking for it!"

"We can handle ourselves."

"Matter of fact, we'd welcome the diversion."

"You'll get all you can handle out here, baby, and they won't all be muff divers either! There are some big commie cocks in those hills!"

"Ooh, sounds neat!"

"I'd drill you myself if I wasn't on the job! Just to teach you a lesson!"

"Very impressive."

"Watch that tongue of yours, lezzy!"

"He reminds me of a marine sergeant I once knew. Every time he heard oriental music, it reminded him of his days in the Far East and his dick got as hard as Japanese arithmetic. He was a leather freak also."

"You come soon, Lester! You number one G.I.! Kim San make you number one wife too!"

"Number one G.I. give ten dollar! We go 'boom boom' long time!"

"I could just about inhale a good stiff 12-incher right about now."

"Now it's time to take my bride across the threshold!"

"No like! Kim good girl! No like threshold! Her pretty heart go threshold! Kim like 'boom boom!' Threshold bad, cost twenty dollar!"

"Aw honey, you don't understand. The threshold means the front door. The front door of the house!"

"Ahhhh-so! Front door! Kim like front door! We go 'boom boom' front door! Cost only ten dollar!"

"Why do you wear that mask?"

"It scares away the Tsetse flies!"

"That's ridiculous. There are no Tsetse flies around here."

"Works, doesn't it? Hahahahahahahahahaha!"

"My little oriental beauty! I've been savin' it up so long, I'm about ready to pop!"

"No ticky, no nookie! Ten dollar please!"

"Oh Kim San, you're my wife now! It's not like it was back in Korea!"

"Bullshit! No ticky, no nookie!"

"You bitches just can't get enough, can ya? Done thought you'd be gone by now! But you just gotta have some of that commie cock, don't ya?!"

"This reminds me of the night I slept with a mortician. He had these big gaps between his teeth, just like Ernest Borgnine -- and when he began to chew my wool, it was heavenly! Heavenly!"

"You my big dick! Now you enter dragon mouth!"

"Kind of weak, ain't ya, pervert? Too much raping and plundering, with nothing to eat but hair pie! What you need is beef, boy! Good Texas steaks!"

"I've been a vegetarian ever since I found out what you cowboys did to your cows!"

"I can't believe this has happened. I mean, you hear of dogs getting stuck like this -- but people?!"

"Kim, do you have any cold cream? Maybe if we lubricate the...vital parts..."

"Ummm...I don't think this is working."

"You want me to stop?"

"Noooooooo."

"I'm gonna teach you a little respect!"

"You're gonna taste a little of my leather, slut!"

"Hey, I got an idea! You can pour cold water on us! That ought to do it."

"No! Cold nookie no good! Close up dragon mouth!"

"I know what we can do! We can turn the shower on hot for Kim, and put some cubes down by your ass, Lester! It just might work!"

"Well, we gotta do something. I gotta be back on the job tomorrow."

"What kind of work do you do?"

"I'm a dope dealer."

"Commies -- dope -- perverts -- and a couple of girl fags! It's all tied together! Ain't none of 'em got any respect for what made this the greatest damn nation in the world! I gotta teach that bunch a lesson about patriotism! PATRIOTISM!!!"

"I'm beginning to feel like the farmer's daughter! All I need now is a milking stool!"

"Kim go long time! Pretty soon need ten dollar more!"

"I think this is a twenty dollar job!"

TRIVIA: 10 years after wearing a "Great Balls Afire!" t-shirt in THREE WAY WEEKEND, Trey Wilson portrayed Sun Records founder Sam Phillips in the Jerry Lee Lewis biopic GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!

"His name is Howard Creep!"

"Creep?! Figures!"

Song lyrics: "Stuck like a dog, not like a pig...

Oh lordy lord, how'd I ever get this big?!"

"You poor thing! What you need is the tenderness of a real woman!"

"Right now, I'd settle for a hot beaver sandwich with cherry tomatoes, onions and a crispy leaf of Romaine!"

"Dammit, I think we're lost!"

"I think it time me take pill. Me sick girl. Very bad G.I., he go long time. Him number ten. No good sumbitch!"

"Ohhh, I hope I don't understand. What was wrong with him?"

"Him have clap."

"Clap?!"

"Yup! Penicillin tablets! OK, come on! Get up!"

"Kim sorry! Kim sorry!"

"Come on, baby, you can do it! Think 'open'! Think 'open'!"

"OK, I've got an offer that you can't refuse!"

"See all this money? If you can reach it, it's all yours and I'll throw in a bag of rice and all the dope you can smoke in a year!"

Sucking and slurping sounds are heard...

...and then a loud POP as Kim San is finally uncorked.

"I come from a long line of losers, even before I went to work for the Republicans. My grandfather opened the first KOA campground in Krakatoa. And my father ran the Kool-Aid concession at Jonestown."

"It's showtime, baby!"

"Time to stiffen your dipstick!"

"I'm gonna show you something that'll jar your preserves!"

"Look at the pervert! Look at the bitches! Totally un-American! Lowlife thighs and buttocks glistening with slime!"

"I feel it!"

"I think she's done it!"

"By George, she's done it!"

"My cock...is a rock...and that's...no crock!"

"My cock's...a rock...and that's...no crock!"

"My cock's a rock and that's no crock!"

"My cock's a rock and that's no crock!"

"My cock's a rock and that's no crock!"

"My cock's a rock and that's no crock!"

"My cock's a rock and that's no crock!"

Ta-da!

"Wow! That's a fly buster for sure!"

"That's incredible!"

"It's a miracle!"

"A lethal weapon."

"A Poseidon missile."

"With a nuclear warhead."

"I haven't seen anything like that since the Washington monument!"

"Veronica, I think you've helped create the next national treasure!"

"Kiss Uncle Sam goodbye! From henceforth, it's Howard the Hung! Congratulations, Howard -- the Republican Party now has a new national leader!"

"Wrong, bitch! The Republican Party has only one dick, and one dick only, and I'm that Dick!"

"Salute the new Dick!"

"No, Tricky! No! Why do you rear your ugly head again?! Why must you haunt me so?!

"I'm born again! And ready to kick ass!"

"In memory of the greatest President of the United States, I'm going to rid our country of all commie perverts and girl fags and queers and [*bleep*bleep*bleep*bleep*] and filth, disgust and perversion!!!"

"Ah-ha!"

"Hahahahahahahahaha!"

"No! Infidel! Infidel!"

"It's gone!"

"How terrible."

"I haven't felt so disappointed since I lost my two-headed dildo."

"Don't worry, ladies. I have AMAZING comeback powers."

"I could use a comeback!"

"I'm a whole man again, thanks to you both."

"My fellow (sniff) Americans..."

"I don't see any sign of him."

"To the best of my recollection, you three will be charged with communism, perversion, imitating a Chinaman, and other assorted dirty tricks!"

"Look, over there! It's David Frost and his T.V. crew!"

"Mr. Frost?! Where?!"

"David?! Is that you?!"

"Scum! Another dirty trick!"

Aaaaand just when you thought this movie couldn't stoop any lower, a pig farmer appears from out of nowhere to set up a bestiality gag that's so desperate we're not even going to bother transcribing it.

Besides, we've already rewound the cassette to see if we can figure out what was *bleeped* out of this part.

Hmmm. This appears to be the work of a real professional.

Dammit! We can't make out a single word!

Any lip readers in the audience tonight?

Oh man.

Are you thinking what we're thinking?

Call us crazy, but...

...we think this has something to do with those missing 18½ minutes.